As a leader, you hold a lot.

The goals. The deadlines. The dynamics.
The ambiguity. The expectations. The emotional temperature.
And always the tone. The standard. The space.

You become the container.
The safe one. The steady one.
The one who remembers what others forget.

And maybe, somewhere along the way, you stopped asking what it was costing you to carry so much.

This is an invitation to surface that invisible load.
Not to collapse under it.
But to name it. Honour it.
And, where needed, start setting it down.

Because you were never meant to hold it all. And certainly not alone.

When Reliability Becomes Identity

Psychologist Jennifer Petriglieri describes identity as “the story we tell ourselves about who we are and who we must be, to belong.” For many leaders – especially women – that story gets written in the ink of competence.

You become reliable. Then indispensable. Then invisible.

Reliability, while valuable, is often rewarded in a way that flattens your personhood. You’re seen for your function, not your fire. Over time, excellence becomes expectation, holding space becomes default and burnout becomes baked in.

On the outside everything looks fine; inside you’re quietly cracking

This is not a failure of strength.
It’s the consequence of unacknowledged emotional labour.

The Hidden Cost of Overfunctioning

Sociologist Arlie Hochschild introduced the term emotional labour in her book The Managed Heart to describe the energy expended to manage emotions – yours and others’ – in service of roles and relationships.

In leadership, this often means:

• Soothing team anxieties without showing your own
• Anticipating emotional fallout before it hits
• Absorbing conflict so others can stay “productive”
• Being the ‘one who holds it together’ – always

You become the emotional anchor.
But at what cost?

Your magnificence is hidden behind your reliability
You perform safety, but sacrifice expression
You overfunction, and others underfunction in response

This isn’t just stress. It’s a slow erosion of self.

Competence ≠ Self-Abandonment

Just because you can hold it doesn’t mean you should.

Reliability is not your identity.
Strength is not your sentence.
And caring for others doesn’t have to cost your own clarity.

It’s not that you need to discard responsibility.
More that you need to redefine it – in ways that serve your sustainability and your soul.

Unburdening with Intention

Try one of these as a release ritual this week to lighten what you’ve been holding:

·  Movement Release
Take a walk with no purpose but to feel yourself not responsible for anyone or anything. With each step, mentally name what you’re setting down. Let your body hold the letting go – not just your mind.

·  Voice Note to Self
Record a 30-second voice note beginning with: “I’ve been holding…” Say what’s true – no polishing, no solving. Just naming. Then delete it. Or save it as proof: you’re allowed to name your needs.

·  Conversation Starter
Message someone you trust: “I think I’ve been holding more than I realise. From where you sit, what do you see me carrying that I might need to let go of?”
Let it be an opening, not for advice, but for shared noticing. Sometimes release begins when someone else names it, gently, first.

And when you’re ready:

Reflect…
What are you holding that you never chose?
Write it down, not to fix, simply to witness. Remember, this is not abandonment; there is power in choosing again.

Explore…
Choose one role, responsibility, or expectation you’re ready to release. Set a small, symbolic boundary this week – and hold it gently, strongly, with care and compassion.

 Activate…
​​​​​​​If you’re ready to stop carrying what no longer serves you, let’s explore together what want to rise in its place. Drop me a note and we can begin.

With truth and love